Well, I said in 2 entries ago that I would continue to update this online diary of mine. But just look at how conscientious I am in doing that!
over half a year has passed since my last entry but damn..it felt like a much longer time. So many things have happened within this 6+months that has helped me grown a lot as a person.
I changed my department for one - doing something closer to what I thought I liked (realize I used the word 'thought' because well..ain't that sure if that's what I really like to do yet) and have achieved some positive results from my work. Not all's rosy though...been through some rough patches like the loss of Grandma in June last year. It was painful because I didn't stay through her funeral having made the decision to go ahead with my France trip. I knew Grandma would want me to go ahead but nevertheless, left with a heavy heart. What affected me more was how the family broke up after that. I just felt sorry for Grandma that this was the result at the end of the day after her toils of over 80 years. Made me reflect on what truly is the real meaning of life. I haven't got the answer. Maybe I will one day. But I really hope Grandma - wherever she is - is truly at peace now.
Then, I fell in love. Again. Just when I thought that my frail heart couldn't possibly endure another possible fall-out. Just when I thought I was happily single. Just when I thought I didn't have feelings for someone I thought was just a very good friend. He made me fall, but didn't catch the fall. *ouch!* Went through a whole cycle of denial, questioning (why lead me on when he's not ready?), anger and then now into a period of acceptance. My conclusion from this entire episode is, that guys are never clear when it comes to affairs of the heart. I do feel sorry for myself really, that once again I allowed myself to fall for someone who couldn't love me for whatever reason. I think I deserve better, don't I? But, at the end of the day I know he means no harm and perhaps (whether his method was right or wrong) he had his own good intentions for me. I can only learn from this, pick myself up and move on. At the same time, still giving him the emotional support he needs at this trying period.
Life is tough. Sometimes I blame dad and mum for not preparing me for the bitchy side of life. I took quite many more years to really taste the bitterness of life, when I'm out of my comfort zone i.e. when my parents can no longer protect me.
I've learnt that pain is something that I will continue to encounter in life. And also that sometimes I need to accept pain as it is, cry my heart out, and let time take care of the rest. I've learnt that I'm more resilient that I thought I am. And I'm proud of it. I've learnt (still trying to prove actually) that perhaps the best way to get past the pain in life is to give. Even if it's at the expense of my own well-being.
I think 2012 will be a good year. And 2013 will be a better one (at least according to the Japanese fortune teller). Somehow though, I'm getting gradually tired as the day goes by, somehow losing my zest and energy to strive for better things in life. Trying to get that back again and I'm sure I can..it's just a matter of time. Well, 2012...time when I'm still nursing the pain of the past while also time I explore new territories. Constantly reminded by Steve Job's quote, 'Keep on searching and do not settle'. I hope I'll keep on searching - for what I love, be it my job or my life partner. I will find them. Someday.
0 comments:
Post a Comment